Monday, 21 October 2013

Waiting - in the womb of God...

I 'spect many people experience books jumping out at them, crying, "Read me! Read me!" I have hundreds of wonderful books (my addiction and weakness), and sometimes the hunger leads me to the shelves to find just the 'right' book - the one I don't know I'm looking for but deep down, I do know. It may be at the book store or amongst my own books.

Well, a few days ago, "Finding Stone" by Christian Lore Weber reached out and grabbed me. A lovely, quiet book - a poem and meditative read ...

I quote - 
"Waiting is endless. I waited to be grown up. To become myself, to be smart enough, patient enough, and loving enough. I waited to be seen, I waited to be heard, to be recognized. Even now, I wait to be called by name, to be understood. I wait to be strong. I wait to dare. I wait because I am powerless to do anything else. I wait because what I most treasure is deepest within and protected by silence. Out of waiting comes patience. Out of accepting my powerlessness comes strength and love and courage to dare. I wait and the waters enclose me: the waters of compassion, of Divine mercy and tenderness. I wait in the womb of God."

Art of Robin Urtin, Portland, Oregon - hoping I'm not doing something illegal.
Check her web page - for images and meditations

I keep reading this passage. Peacefully.

I was always waiting. I remember when I went to the convent, I waited - to travel to Boston, to become a postulant, to become a novice, to become first professed and then life professed. Safe, in a sense. part of a family/community that couldn't send me away. 

Moments were lost in that kind of waiting - the present moments, that is. Not always. Not totally, of course. But it was living into the future - waiting - to belong. To be safe. Ahhh... Look out - here comes the Holy Spirit!

Over time, some of my waiting has become Advent waiting - trusting, living in hope, that I, or we, will know what to do next when the time is right - kairos. I've learned this pretty well in relation to ministry and to other people. 

There seems to still be a problem with my inner self. Leftovers from early days. Waiting to become enough.

A priest asked me not long ago, "Are you grown up yet?" He was trying to put me down in that particular situation. We can only be put down if we allow ourselves to be - right? I answered, "I'm pretty well grown-up, but I'm still working on it." So are we all! If there's anyone out there who's finished growing up, then I expect he or she is dead - and even then, I'm kind of hoping growing doesn't end when we die.

What would smart enough, loving enough, patient enough look like? Urrgghh. Stop it! Breathe! 

I have waited to be seen, to be heard, to be recognized. I know about waiting to be seen, heard, recognized, because I felt invisible as a child. And that I could be sent away, given away, abandoned at any moment. No one meant it to be that way. It's just how things worked out. Unfortunately - the recognition seems to need to come from on  high. (You know - parent figures.)  I know. I know. It's not necessary. 

Something is changing within. Recognition has come from many quarters - from people at the Mission and those who have seen and understood what we were doing. From those who know our ministry in the East End - the love, joy, truth-seeking, and alive-ness of that small community of people.

Learning to know, trust, and speak my truths has been a huge challenge - as the saying goes, "Speak your truth, even if your voice shakes." Helping others do the same, has been one way of taking what is, in a sense, broken in me and using it as a gift. And when I see - as one example - how Lori at Mile End has taken on the system - challenged people with power, become a confident, articulate and sometimes comical leader - well - I did my job!  

I know I did! It is enough! Someone tell that little scared kid that continues to reside in my gut. OK. OK. I'm doing it myself!

Problem is - what am I still waiting for? Maybe I don't need to wait any more. Maybe I can accept that it is enough. Maybe.

Prayers appreciated. And I 'spect if you have read this far, it is because my journey is simply a human journey, and while the details of our lives, fears, insecurities, may differ, we're on this pilgrimage through life together. Grown up and still growing.

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